People are giving me very strange looks when I tell them I am going to Israel. As if to say ‘you can’t mean the Israel in the Middle East, just down the road from Iraq….?’. The foreign office website says don’t go there under any circumstances, the Euro 2004 qualifier between Israel and France has had to be moved to Sicily, and even the famous flamenco dancer Maria Pages has cancelled her performance in Tel Aviv due to security concerns.
But if the young Rageh Omar (the ‘scud stud’ as he is now known) can watch missiles cruising through the centre of Baghdad and describe his close encounters night after night to his BBC audience, I am sure I can run a training course on how to calculate nutrition and ingredient declarations in a chocolate factory. In any case, after living with the threat of terrorism in London for many years, not to mention countless trips to Belfast during the height of the ‘troubles’ (including staying at the famous Europa hotel – famous that is for being the most bombed hotel in the world) I am quite familiar with the notion that what you see on TV doesn’t usually reflect the real situation on the ground. (And I’ll just have to put up with not seeing any flamenco dancing.)
I board my El Al flight and am pleased to find that they still use proper metal knives and forks. Now this really separates the men from the boys in airline terms. Every other airline I have flown on since 9 /11 has changed to plastic ones. But the argument that you can cleverly foil a determined hijacker by giving him a plastic fork has never really had me convinced, and seemingly hasn’t convinced the bosses at El Al either. And if you are looking for the number one airline in security terms, it has to be El Al.
It’s late at night when I arrive at my Tel Aviv sea front hotel. I am heading straight for bed when I see the large white notice from the hotel management, and this is when I start to wonder if all those people were right after all. ‘Guests should familiarise themselves….’, it says. ‘….with the procedures in the event of an attack. You should take your protective mask down the emergency stairs to the sealed rooms………’ Sealed rooms? Protective mask? What protective mask? I call reception to enquire. The night porter tells me over a yawn that I can, if I am really concerned, get one from reception (on payment of a hefty deposit) but his tone of voice makes it clear that I would be marked down as the only wimp staying at the hotel if I did. I go to bed and try to count sheep rather than missiles.
Up early in the morning to travel to a kibbutz near Netanya for the first presentation. After the presentation we take a short trip to the old port of Jaffa. The name of course is what everyone associates with oranges because this is where they were all shipped from. But at some point in time ‘Jaffa’ became a brand name, and my host tells me that the name has now been sold to the Chinese. This is interesting food for thought. I wonder (1) At what point the name of a 1,000 year old sea port can become a tradable brand name, and (2) how and why it is now Chinese. What a strange world this is.
Jaffa is the photogenic area of Tel Aviv. While we are there, three wedding parties visit for the set-piece bride and groom photo-shoots with the romantic Mediterranean images as background. Why so many weddings on a mid-week afternoon? The answer is that Passover is approaching and Jewish law does not allow marriage for several weeks after Passover – so this is peak wedding season.
Later the same evening I eat in a Tel Aviv restaurant overlooking the marina. I get lots of attention from the restaurant owner, probably something to do with the fact that I am the only customer. Normally this would raise my suspicions about the quality of the food, but actually, it’s excellent. Humous and pitta with lots of lemon juice, St Peters fish fresh from the Sea of Galilee, an excellent white wine from the vineyards of the Golan Heights, my favourite Turkish coffee, and a lemon vodka ‘on the house’.
I am the only customer in the restaurant because Israel has been deserted by businessmen and tourists alike. Until the previous week, the restaurant had at least been busy with foreign journalists, hungry for some action to report. But according to the restaurant owner, boredom had quickly set in, and the pack had now moved on to Jordan, hoping for more action there.
This leads me to do a quick survey. I have a good view of the international hotels along the Tel Aviv sea front. I count the number of rooms, and I count the number with lights on. Even after adjusting for guests who are likely to be out, I calculate that the occupancy rate is about 10%. So for those of you who think international business travel is a glamorous way of spending your life – think of me, sitting all on my own in the evening, counting hotel rooms!
But the big question in Israel is: To carry a mask or not to carry a mask. On March 19th the Home Front Command made the sudden, dramatic announcement that residents should open their gas mask kits, remove the filter cap, and start carrying them everywhere. Children were sent home if they arrived at school without a mask, and the Defence and Education ministers made a point of being seen in public with their kits nonchalantly slung over their shoulders, covering up any feelings of awkwardness with a smile. But other than that, there’s not a mask to be seen anywhere, reflecting the Israeli down-to-earth, philosophical and no-nonsense approach to life.
But to a visitor like me, it’s a serious business wondering what to do about this mask thing. I am debating this in my mind as I wander the streets of Tel Aviv one evening. What are the chances of a missile being fired at Israel? If one is fired, what are the chances of it landing near me? If it lands near me, what are the chances of surviving? I am so wrapped in my thoughts as I cross the busy downtown street that I fail to see the scooter careering fanatically in my direction – aiming straight for me in fact. I dive in panic for the pavement, avoiding the scooter by the tiniest margin. That does it. I feel indebted to the student on the scooter for bringing me to my senses. It’s suddenly clear that I am far more likely to be the sad victim of a road accident than anything more aggressively dramatic. From now on, paranoia is banished, and my philosophical condition is re-instated.
A local pastry chain has also been quick to see some commercial opportunities. Israelis have been told that if a missile falls in their area they must stay home for three days. So the pastry chain has developed ‘Missile Bread’ that stays fresh for four days (an extra day for those who want to be sure.) At a cost of 10 shekels a loaf, it must be good value!
We have another day of meetings with food companies followed by an evening visit to the beautiful city of Jerusalem. My host takes me to a spot above the city where I have a fabulous view of the golden dome and the old city. To my right I can just make out as the sun sets, the Dead Sea and the hills of Jordan, and further right the town of Bethlehem.
Then I have two days of training courses to a group of companies. They make me feel so welcome that it doesn’t seem like work. With a continuous supply of proud offerings from their excellent bakery, and their friendly and enthusiastic participation in the training, it seems more like an enjoyable social experience than a software workshop. More like ‘friends reunited’ – I will be very sorry to leave.
But leave I must and so the following day I am back at the El Al security grilling at Ben Gurion airport. An attractive young security agent bombards me with questions about what I have been doing in Israel. Then she hands me over to her boss. With a couple of further questions he quickly concludes that anyone involved with programming computers must be far too boring to be a security risk, and waves me on impatiently.
PS. If anyone is planning a holiday and looking for the interesting and value places that are not crowded with competing tourists, visit the foreign office web site. There you’ll find a selection of some of the most beautiful places in the world that our politicians and civil servants currently consider ‘out of bounds’. Go for it is my advice.